to gaze upon beauty: Older and Wiser

Older and wiser?

Probably not, but I have always loved birthdays. Last week was my "champagne" birthday...23 on the 23rd and though nothing magical happened, it was a beautiful day that felt different. Perhaps it was the fact that this was the first time that I have ever celebrated my birthday at camp or that it was the first time that my family were not there to celebrate with me. It could also have been that there were only four people living on the island.

Growing up, birthdays were a big deal in the Stevens home as my parents loved to celebrate us and used the day to lavish us with love and attention. From morning hugs and a special breakfast, to stories about the day you were born, memories of growing up, to getting picked up for lunch from school, and having a "birthday Supper" of your choice, you were definitely the princess of the day.

When normally I would awake to phone calls from grandparents and aunt's, this year I got up early to phone my Mom and say happy birthday to her. This was a big birthday for her as well. She was 23 when she had me, and now it was my champagne birthday. I wanted to share it with her. I wanted to hear the stories again.

My grandparents had a busy line so they did not experience me beating them at the phone game...but there was a longing in my heart... to hear Oma and Opa on the line at the same time...so happy and emotional with love for their eldest granddaughter. I wish I could have heard Opa, unable to hear anymore but wanting to be in on the conversation none the less, saying how much he loves me and prays for me everyday (a couple of times a day), and hear him call me his princess. They usually have to hang up because they are crying and can't talk anymore.

I felt oddly small and distant. With a huge island and no one yet awake, I just kind of walked aimlessly around and sat in the feeling of it being the end of a year...the beginning of another. What does that mean? What is this feeling?

For the first time, when that question comes up like it always does: "So, do you feel any older?" I think that my answer would be "yes." The season has been long, much has happened - good and difficult, God has taught me much about His character and who He has created me to be, sleep has been sparse and hundreds of people have been transformed through their encounters with the Creator of the Universe in this place. I guess exhaustion and being overwhelmed lead to feeling older.

But it is one of the best feelings I have ever had!

Seriously, this kind of exhaustion - the knowledge of what has all happened and been accomplished, and the overwhelming wave of God's goodness, provision, power and grace that washed over me. It kind of knocked me off my feet so that I would sit on my butt for a minute and realize God's presence deeper and nearer...

"The everlasting God, The LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unreachable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Is. 40:28-31)...

I feel older because I am a very different than the girl who a year ago just started with Inter-Varsity and who had no idea what was in store for her first season with camp. I pray that I am able to say again next year, with excitement, that I feel older.

I want to be different, I want to be transformed. I want to wait upon the Lord ...dwell in His house and behold His beauty...