The last full day of Girls 3 Camp.
The last full day of Girls Camp for me...maybe forever.
My heart wells up constantly the last couple of days - it's so full, and the tears come easily.
I think I will look back on this time of being at camp, particularly Girls camp, and always think, "Oh, how sweet it was!" Hard, yes, but so sweet and precious. Challenging, yes, but rich and life-giving. What a divine privilege to be shaped in this place and to witness the transformation of hearts!
I will miss this, as much as I gladly, willingly and passionately embrace how God is leading me forward and into the future, I will miss this - this season of hidden-ness, of wilderness time, of fun, play, shaping, forming, creativity, challenge, laughter, grace and love. My heart is full.
You shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace. The mountains and hills will breakforth before you. There will be shouts of joy and all the trees of the field will clap, will clap their hands.
("Nup-Nup" and "Fopra" during the Girls 3 cruise night. It has been one of the biggest blessings to direct camps with Caitlin over the last three years.)
Girls Camp is already half way through the first session of the summer and I'm reminded everyday why I love this job so much! God uses summer camps to powerfully encounter and transform kids and young adults!
Every morning after breakfast we do something with the whole camp called "Table Talks," which are like a short Bible Study. The theme that we are looking at in Girls Camp is "Encounter Jesus and be Transformed," so we look at a different Biblical character whose life was turned upside-down because of an encounter with Jesus. Stephanie Goertzen and I have written monologues to go along with these stories that help to paint the picture of what might have been going on in the hearts and minds of these people as their lives changed radically. Initially I thought to use some of the best known characters for these monologues, but I quickly changed my mind to focus on some of the unlikely people and decided to not shy away from issues that they might bring up like Nicodemus, Zaccheaus, the Samaritan woman, and Martha.
This is the poetic monologue I wrote for the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8):
I am a woman
No longer with prominence
Without honor
A woman whose reputation cannot be recovered
My choices now stand trial
And my fate lies in the hands of these men
This crowd who hold the choice of life or death
Who already know the law
And how it will end
I cannot go back
It is too late now
I know I was wrong
I was foolish and arrogant to think
My sin wouldn’t be found out
To live innocent with a
Secret lurking in the shadows
You wouldn’t know by my face
But my heart betrayed me every time
To be with a man not my husband
To pretend and escape
This false-reality I created
Would one day be undone
Unraveled
Deserted
Exposed
A mistake
I cannot go back
It is too late now
For the weight of regret and shame
Is death itself
Though the stones have not yet been thrown
I am sentenced in their eyes
My life and heart lie broken
Shattered in pieces
The deed already done
I had seen you before
For it’s hard not to recognize you
The country is abuzz with the sound of your name
Wondering at all You say You are
A healer
A Judge
Priest
Messiah
King?
But what will you say of me?
As acting judge to this crowd
Do you side with them and the law they represent?
Who will cast the first stone; You or them?
You bend down and I shrink away
And brace for the rock to hit
From my place in the dirt time moves on
And I lift my face to watch yours
Your lips move but no words are heard
Your hands move in the soil and words emerge
“Who is without sin and condemns her now?”
These words echoing with power to the core of hearts
From their sandaled feet the wise leave first
And the young slowly follow
Without lifting my head I know only you remain
From the dust
Your words breathe Life
I cannot go back
It is too late now
To alter the past or erase the stains
But I can go forward
And leave the sin behind
Choosing life and truth
From now on living differently
Not the same but changed
Fully loved
Fully free
Not condemned but redeemed
Not struck down but esteemed
Not disgraced but clean
Living new in Him
Clinging to His words
Seeing and believing like never before
“I condemn you not.
Go. And sin no more.”
This woman's story has struck a chord in my heart and has been resounding like an echo in all that I have done this week. I'm not sure exactly what God is speaking to me about, but I'm glad we get to tell her story to this generation of young woman this summer.
I got to spend three wonderful days at the cottage with my siblings. It was exactly what I needed! We laughed a lot and enjoyed the place we love to the fullest.
Getting out of bed has been an adventure the last week or so. My mind and Spirit are wide awake at 6am, however, my body protests loudly and usually wins, gripping tightly to the down duvet and pillow for just a little while longer. Lying there usually means my mind begins to rev up for the day and my Spirit begins to pray for strength to simply make it through everything ahead.
Today was beginning along the same vein but for some reason, I was able to get up, dressed and out of the house for a walk in the early morning light and drizzle. Sunday mornings in Wolseley are very quiet and serene. I chose the most deserted, green, tree-canopy streets and was grateful for the gentle mist that fell on my face to help soothe my mind and heart. I simply desired to go for a walk with Jesus and hear what was on His heart.
As I walked for over an hour along the beautiful streets of big, colorful, old houses with front porches, I couldn't help but dream about having my own home some day, about raising a huge family in a big old house, a garden and a dog. I longed for a place of my own and a life seemingly far off.
It didn't take long before I was struck by the futility of those thoughts and the misplaced longing. I was spending my time yearning for the future, for what could be, of a life that is not mine and a day far from today. I was longing for beauty, for sanctuary, for belonging and for home.
The next moment I laughed out loud as it struck me: I may never have a house of my own. I may never have a big family or spaces of beauty that I fantasize about...the garden, the library, the kitchen nook, oak staircases, bench by the river, big slobbery dog...
Because though those dreams are not bad in and of themselves, they will never ultimately satisfy or fulfill me. That is not what I am made for; I was made for God and for another realm. I was made for true communion with Christ and for paradise.
Everything of this world will fall flat of the longing and inkling of beauty I desire. The home I truly seek is in and with Christ. Jesus is my home. He is the fulfillment of my unsatisfied heart. Anywhere, anytime, all the time, I can be at home and satisfied and surrounded by beauty and lack nothing.
Jesus heard my heart during this impromptu walk. I had been longing for God and God alone, and in a still small voice, He spoke exactly what I had been desperate to hear all along....
"Janelle, I love your heart, your daydreams and all, and you arehome."
And I laughed again. For I felt His delight in the journey He had taken my heart through a Sunday morning stroll in Wolseley.
"Blessed are those who dwell in Your house; they will still be praising You. Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on a pilgrimage...For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness" (Ps. 84:4-5,10).
